Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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