He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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