I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
