it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
