Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
