Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
