i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
