Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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