I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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