i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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