it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
