when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the raccoons are back...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
