he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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