Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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