No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
