I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
