Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
