Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Found the puke drawer
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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