Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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