Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Help. Why am I so naked?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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