She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
