Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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