yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
