he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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