life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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