If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
