i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize