yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
