phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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