3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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