I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize