If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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