I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
