I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize