mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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