Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
