accomplished twins. life is a go
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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