she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
