omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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