I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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