College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
