I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
