No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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