I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
