why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
