I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
