I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
