He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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