You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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