grandma shit on top of the toilet
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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