2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
