every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
