I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Randomize
