Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
