I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
