There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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