remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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