just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
