So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Randomize
