You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
