my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
