he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
