No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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