He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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