I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
