hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
