dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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