you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
