guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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