i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
