I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
