Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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