Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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