just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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