My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just want to make out with him forever
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
