We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize